When nannies say 'goodbye' to a family revisited

I am fascinated that by far my most popular blog has been "When nannies say 'Goodbye' to a family" and that when I look at the search terms that people use who find 'SusanSays', they are often about this theme.

From this I draw the obvious conclusion that it is a subject that concerns nannies, and probably families too, and that people are looking for guidance on how to go about saying goodbye.

I'm not sure that there is much more that I can add to make this process any easier.  In my original post, which was based on a nanny's decision to move on,  I recommended such strategies as:

• being clear with parents and children about when you would finish;
• speaking positively about future plans for the children eg 'next week you will be going to daycare', or 'next week Jane will be taking you to the park and you'll have fun with her just like you do with me';
• acknowledging that it is hard to say goodbye, that it is OK to feel a bit sad;
• perhaps creating a book of photos of fun things you have done, or giving the children a photo of you with them;
• not making promises you can't keep about future contact.

When you have a fixed term contract with a family it can be easier to finish than when you have no finishing date in sight.  It is particularly difficult when the date to finish is out of your hands and happens suddenly, perhaps because of a change in family circumstances, or because a family has been increasingly unhappy about your performance and has not let you know their concerns or given you an opportunity to make changes in the way you work.  In these circumstances you may not have time to prepare the child, and you may be feeling shocked and battered by the circumstances.  There is little point trying to change the mind of the parents, so say goodbye with as much dignity as you can, and use your agency and friends for emotional support and for professional direction in areas you may need to change.

When I wrote recently about 'Professional boundaries' I also mentioned that not becoming over-involved with the children and their families makes it easier for everyone when you leave.  This does not mean being cool and distant, but it does mean that while you are warm and affectionate you do not let the children and family become more important to you than people in your life away from work. While you might spend a little time outside work planning the next day or the week's activities, you need to have a life of your own away from work where you socialise, form relationships and meet your own social and emotional needs.

It is hard, working alone in a family, not to think of yourself as the most important person in the child's life, but this is not reality.  The child's parents have this role.  They lend you their role in the hours you are caring for their child, but it is only a loan. From the start of the time you meet a family you need to be clear to yourself about your role and what that means.  You are, as the legal term says 'in loco parentis' ie in the place of the parent, BUT you are not the parent.  You act like the parent, in the parent's absence, making decisions about the care of the child (in accordance with the parents' wishes), about diet, activities, safety...all the aspects of daily life with children.  This is one of the reasons why we are very keen that nannies employed by our agency:

• make their planning for the children clearly available to parents;
• make reports on the children's day.

Doing this helps make clear your role and informs parents what their children have been doing in their absence. It also gives the parents an opportunity to give you feedback on how you are fitting in with their ideas.

Most families these days don't expect their nanny to stay until their children are old enough to leave home, but at the same time do not want to see their children have to face too many changes.  At the same time, nannies often have changes in their own circumstances, (eg marriage or pregnancy) or are looking for a new professional challenge, so many move on after about 2 years.

Change is part of life, and we need to grasp it with both hands, looking for new opportunities, not looking back with regret.

DisABILITY

Sometimes, life's not fair.

Instead of a healthy baby at the end of a 40 week pregnancy, a baby may be still-born, or born prematurely with many of associated health issues, or a physically or intellectually disabled baby, or one with major illness.  It seems so wrong, so unfair, that the usual hopes and dreams of having a healthy child can be so dashed at a time that is meant to be so happy.  Yet this is the situation a surprising number of parents are faced with and they need to find ways to manage what may be a life changing event.  Other parents face disabilities in their children as their children grow, whether from illness, accident or gradually emerging disorders like autism.

First reactions to the news that one's child is disabled vary but denial and grief figure prominently.  Even when antenatal screening has shown that problems may exist, being confronted with the baby brings many emotions, including by many parents a strong sense of protectiveness, but also from others, rejection, although this often modifies with time.  It can be hard to let go of the fantasies parents might have had of for example, playing cricket in the park with a son, or ballet classes or ....It is also not uncommon for mothers in particular to needlessly blame themselves for some behaviour during pregnancy.

The nature and extent of disabilities and illnesses varies enormously.  Some are incompatible with life so the baby will die young, while others may only have a mild impact.  Others are far more severe and will require life long care, others fit somewhere along this spectrum but to each child and parent and family, some adjustments will be required.

Having a child with a disability can be a major challenge to a family.  Since we no longer shut away children with disabilities in institutions, the vast majority are cared for at home. Depending on the severity of the disability or illness this may involve:

• regular medical and therapy appointments;
• purchase of specialised equipment, or long waiting lists for funded equipment;
• considerable physical and emotional stress on caregivers and on other family members;

Given the nature of our society, the majority of practical care-giving tends to fall on mothers, who are often stretched to pay attention to their partners and to other children in the family, let alone to themselves. Many marriages breakdown, possibly because of disagreements about how the child is treated, or about the amount of time and money devoted to one person to the exclusion of the husband or other family members.  Many siblings with a disabled brother or sister feel alienated for the same reason, or feel overwhelmingly burdened with responsibility for their disabled sibling.

Statistically, it is also clear that there is a strong link between disability and poverty.  Families with a disabled child are far more likely to be disadvantaged, partly because of the additional costs of caring for the child.  Adults with disabilities find employment opportunities difficult and many are un- or underemployed, compelled to live on benefits.  Others are too disabled to work and may live with their parents which may lead to difficulties with their care as the parents age and die.

For all this though, having a disability is not necessarily all negative.  One of the groups that has a very positive attitude to their situation is the deaf community who have adapted by having their own language and parts of which reject having cochlear implants to help introduce sound into their world.  There are also very strong disability rights groups who advocate for their members and who insists that we see the ability, not the disability.  I once heard a friend confined to a wheelchair, criticising another woman in a wheelchair for not having a good attitude: 'she gives people with a disability a bad name.'

Just as life for 'normal' people varies enormously in terms of how it is lived and what is achieved, so it is for those with disabilities. 


I was born with a congenitally dislocated hip, certainly not a life threatening condition, but one that meant many operations, long periods in hospital and having physical therapy and which has had long term effects on my mobility.  I was, however, blessed to have a mother who, though not highly educated, and who certainly had never read a parenting book, but who believed I should just get out there and do things.  I was reminded of her when I read the recent inspiring speech of Paralympian Kurt Fearnley, born with a severe disability, but whose parents encouraged him to move around after his siblings, getting bruised and battered as a result but letting nothing stop his enjoyment of life.  In his speech he recounts the freedom of his early childhood and the change that happened when he was introduced to wheelchair racing.

He goes on however, to speak of the National Disability Insurance Scheme and his hope that it will address many of the issues that face our community as we respond to the needs of the disabled and those who care for them.  Legislation to introduce the draft NDIS was introduced into Parlaiment in November 2012, to enable the Scheme to be trialled in four regions in Australia, before being finalised this year.

As an Agency, we have always been happy to provide nannies for families where either a parent or a child has a disability.  At times this has required specially targetted recruitment looking for a nanny with the appropriate skills, at other times, we have looked at ways to manage the work so that it may be shared between two nannies if the load is considerable, but where specialised nursing procedures are required other arrangements may be necessary.  These placements may take extra time to organise because of their special requirements, but do contact us to discuss your needs.

Immunisations/vaccinations...

It is hard in the modern Western world to comprehend the scourge of what are commonly regarded as childhood illnesses.  Children in the past died during the epidemics that regularly swept through the community, others had life long health problems (people are still dying from post-polio syndrome from the mid Twentieth Century epidemics), others were rendered sterile (particularly as a result of mumps), and those mothers who contracted rubella during pregnancy had babies who were born blind and deaf.

Much work has been done to develop vaccines to counter these diseases and children from newborn up to adulthood, in Australia, today have access to a comprehensive program of free immunisation. This issue is topical for me personally, as a friend, of mature years and with limited exposure to children, has recently contracted whooping cough (pertussis).  This is a most unpleasant illness for adults (sometimes described as '100 days cough') but is potentially life threatening for babies.

Writing about it on our Facebook page threw up some interesting information.  After being very rare in the community, whooping cough is on the rise and it is now believed that childhood immunisation does not necessarily give life long immunity.  There has also been a rise in the number of people who are not immunised, both among recent migrants and those who make a conscious decision not to have their children immunised.

Except in rare instances (eg where a child has a seriously compromised immune system while being treated for cancer) people who conscientiously oppose immunisation hold strong beliefs which tend to be based on discredited and erroneous research connecting immunisation and autism.  There is NO link between immunisation and autism.  and while eating a healthy diet may strengthen an immune system there is no evidence that it protects against illnesses like whooping cough, measles, mumps chicken pox, hepatitis, polio and the rest.  Children who have not been immunised must be excluded from a child care centre or school for prescribed periods of time if illnesses which can be prevented by vaccine are found to be present in the facility.

For parents, this means ensuring your child receives all the prescribed immunisation, which are listed in the health record book you received from the Maternal and Child Health Centre.  You will need to produce this record when your child enrols at school.  Yes, injections are unpleasant and we hate to see our little ones subject to them, but better a few seconds pain than the consequences of the illnesses.  It also means discussing with you doctor your own immune status and possibly arranging booster shots, or even primary immunisations if you have never received them.  Either you or your child might have a mild reaction to the immunisation, but this is NOT the same as the illness.  Sometimes it is possible for even immunised children to at some stage get a mild case of the illness but they are not subject to the same intensity of symptoms and risk of side effects.  If they show signs of particular illnesses they must be kept home from child care or school for given periods of time.

What does this mean for nannies, child carers and teachers?  The first step is to discuss your immune status with you doctor and have the necessary injections.  If at some stage you think you are showing signs of the illness, do not go to work until you have seen the doctor and had your condition confirmed or cleared.  If children in your care are notified as having one of the diseases you can attend work if you have been immunised.  If you have not been immunised, you cannot attend for the required exclusion periods.

If you are a parent employing a nanny, it is obvious that a question to ask at interview is whether the nanny has been immunised.  You may wish to make this a condition of employment.

Modern medicine is often criticised, but the prevention of common illnesses through immunisation has been a wonderful advance.  It is up to us as a community to take advantage of such measures to protect us and our children.  Small pox, as a disease was successfully eradicated from the world by vaccination, and in time hopefully other illnesses will be too.

Links:
The Science of Immunisation questions and answers.  Australian Academy of Science
Immunise Australia Program, Department of Health and Ageing
Blue Book, Guidelines for the control of infectious diseases, Department of Health, Victoria
Raising Children Network, Immunisation

Professional nannies or babysitters????

As you have probably noticed, I have increasingly been using the term 'professional nanny' in my writing.  This reflects my view that in our modern world, the demands of home-based care of children require workers who are:

• suitably qualified, preferably degree or diploma level;
• experienced in the care of children, preferably at least 2 years post qualification;
• practise their role at an advanced level, with evidence of planning in accordance with the Early Years Learning Framework, and references detailing this and indicating satisfaction with the developmental activities of children in their care;
• enthusiastic approach to their work with children and their families, good communication skills and an understanding of the complex needs of many families;
• evidence of a Victorian Government Working With Children Check, Police Check and current first aid certificate, preferably with epi-pen training.

This is a very demanding list, but reflects my belief that as parents are paying a considerable amount of money to employ a nanny, they are entitled to the best possible standard of care for their children.

At the same time, as an Agency, Susan Rogan Family Care:

• negotiates with client families and potential workers to achieve the best possible rates of pay, and working conditions, including annual leave and superannuation;
• supports the placement with visits from consultants and regular contact between the agency, the family and the nanny to ensure all parties are happy with the way the placement is working;
• is available to help negotiate any difficulties in the placement;
• provides regular opportunities for in-service training for their nannies.

It is my belief that this offers far better support to families and to nannies than is available to people responding to internet, newspaper and local advertisements.

While sometimes those employed in this way may be excellent workers, more often they tend:

• to have no qualifications;
• little knowledge of child development, behaviour or age appropriate activities;
• limited awareness of safety and hygiene requirements;
• limited responses to different, sometimes challenging, behaviours.

From the point of view of these workers, often:

• wages and conditions are poor: long hours for low rates of pay and often no superannuation;
• there is no support and encouragement in their work;
• there are no opportunities for in-service training to develop skills and understanding;
• there is no one to advocate on their behalf with their employers. 

Which would you prefer to be: a professional nanny or a baby sitter?

Who would you prefer to care for your children: a professional nanny or a babysitter?

Australia Day reflection

26th January, depending on your perspective is Australia Day, Invasion Day or Survival Day, or perhaps for many, a good excuse for a long weekend, the last one before the end of the summer holidays!

I remember when I was little being taken to Frankston foreshore to witness a re-enactment of Governor Phillip coming ashore in Sydney Cove and British sovereignty being proclaimed.  Even back then it was a somewhat mangy celebration.  The Bicentennial celebrations in Sydney, the tall ships on the harbour, fireworks (of course!) were much bigger and better produced!

At the same time as the Bicentennial celebrations in Sydney, the aboriginal people held an Invasion Day parade and established the first of many tent embassies, bringing home to us their perspective of what the coming of European settlement had done to their country: dispossess of their land, subject to restrictions on how and where they could live, 'stolen generations' and the impact of 'white man's' diseases. Survival Day takes up this theme in a slightly less confrontational way, celebrating the continuing culture of the indigenous people, particularly in the arts and music.

In an attempt to find a less controversial day to celebrate, ANZAC Day (25th April), commemorating Australia's first major war time battle and Federation Day (1st January) marking the joining of the states to form the Commonwealth have been suggested from time to time but with no real ground swell of popular sentiment.  After all, we already have public holidays on both these days and we couldn't give away another excuse for a holiday!

Looking at events for the holiday in our local paper, I saw several Citizenship Ceremonies.  What a wonderful commitment it is that immigrants make to become citizens, to give their allegiance to this country.  People come here for many reasons: to escape persecution, to make a better life than in their former country, generally meaning the economic and social opportunities, to join family members.  Apart from the indigenous Australians, we are a nation of immigrants, it's just some of our families came so long ago that citizenship ceremonies didn't exist!  It seems to me that there is something rather lovely about pledging allegiance to Australia, something I've never done except in the old Monday morning school ceremonies.  This view seems to be shared by Miriam Margolyes, the British born actor who toured an excellent show about Dickens last year, and will become a citizen on Saturday.  In an interview in the Canberra Times she said 'I want to take all the knowledge and experiences I gained when I was in England and put it at the service of Australia, because I have to bring something to Australia, not just money but myself.'

I'm not patriotic in the sense of believing Australia can do no wrong, nor am I fanatical for Australian sporting teams to win, but this is my home, and has been for many generations.

I like:

• our landscapes...'sweeping plains', 'ragged mountain ranges', 'far horizons','jewel seas';
• our way of life, and particularly the variety to food and culture that post-war immigration has brought;
• our informal attitudes to different people;
• when government shows a social conscience in its policy and law making;
• our willingness to 'pitch in' and help in times of disaster;
• our irreverence about all manner of things that others take seriously eg royalty, political institutions, status...

I don't like:

• the culture of heavy drinking and consequent violence;
• racism towards the different ethnic groups that make our community;
• unrelenting media coverage of sport;
• increasing poverty which reduces opportunities for people, particularly children, to achieve their potential.
• the negativity that pervades much public debate, and the lack of a vision for the years ahead for our nation.

Enjoy our day on 26th January, recognise that we still have far to go in our relationship with our original inhabitants and as Paul Hogan once said: 'throw another prawn on the barbie'!

Australian flag image is courtesy of http://freeaussiestock.com/free/Australiana/slides/australian_flag.htm

Professional boundaries!

Long gone are the days of nannies living in and staying with families for years after the children have grown as in Evelyn Waugh's Brideshead Revisited where Sebastian used to call in at the nursery to see his old nanny!  Nor are today's nannies like Mary Poppins pulling rambunctious children 'into shape' and rewarding them with wonderful adventures.

In Australia in the Twenty First Century, nannies typically live out  and work with families for given hours, usually during the 'business week'.  They tend to be aged from their mid twenties to mid forties, trained in modern child care and generally change positions after one or two years.  This is the era of the professional nanny.

In the modern world of a nanny's work, there is much greater informality than in the past.  Nannies and parents, and nannies and their charges are all on first name terms.  This reminds me of the story one of the nannies I trained who was working in the UK.  The nanny answered the phone one day, and was heard telling the caller she had the wrong number.  The mother asked who the call was for and the nanny replied "the Countess of xxxxx".  "That's me" said the mother.  While most nannies in Australia don't work for titled clients, some do work for well known families, others work for people who are very important within their fields but whoever the client family is, first names are used because that is the nature of our society.  It does not however, give permission to become over familiar with a client, and it is here that the role of professional boundaries is very important.

What is the role of a nanny?

It is to care for the children of the family, to foster their development socially, intellectually and physically, to ensure their safety and to act in the role of the parent in the parents' absence.

In this role you can have fun and be silly but you can not lose control of yourself or of the situation.  To ensure this, you need to establish with the children that you are in charge, not by being bossy but by having clearly established what is ok and what is not ok, with consequences following if behaviour is not ok.  To be able to do this effectively, you need to communicate clearly with parents so you are sure of what their limits are.  If these are very different from your own limits you still need to work with what the parents want, or of necessary look for work with a family whose views are more like your own.

Since the role of the nanny is child focused, that is where your communications with parents are focused.  It is not appropriate to:

• use a client as a confidant, nor to receive personal confidences from a parent.  The polite response if this seems likely to happen is to remind the parent of your role.
• snoop among the papers, bills, letters, emails etc that parents may leave where you can see them.  This is not your business.  Similarly, it is not appropriate to enter the parents' bedroom or to do their washing.
• gossip with partners, friends and other nannies about your clients.  Some prominent families may require that you sign a confidentiality clause, but this shouldn't be necessary because this gossip is something you should never do.  
• if there is an issue with a client eg frequently late home, discuss it with the client, and if you are not satisfied with the outcome, discuss it with the agency.  Do not discuss it with all your friends.

By maintaining professional boundaries, you also make it easier for you and the family to part when the job finishes.  You have been warm and friendly and an important part of the children's development but you are not an intimate personal friend so both your life and that of the family will go on, and after a short period of missing each other, everyone can go on to form new relationships with other families and carers.

Now is the time to plan for 2013

January 2013 and all the world has made (and already broken) resolutions, as well as making plans for the year.  Why should professional nannies be any exception?

1. Buy a large Page a Day Diary and use it to:

• mark all the family birthdays, with ages for the children.  (You can't make cards for Mummy's birthday if you don't know when it is!)

• mark any special occasions the family always celebrates

• record all school/preschool holidays and public holidays

• record any known appointments the children have

Keep this up to date, adding appointments, pick up times, play dates etc.

Parents can also use the diary to give feedback on the work you are doing.

2. Divide each page so there is a section for each child

• use these sections each week to plan the activities for each child, what you hope to achieve, and how each child reacts.

• make your diary available to the parents so they can see what you are doing with their children and how their children are developing.

While this may seem over the top, it it will stop you getting into a rut of doing the same things every day, or every week...they are familiar, the children enjoy them, they don't take much preparation or thought.  To keep yourself feeling fresh, to stop the children being bored and to extend their interests, skills and abilities variety is important.  So while drawing might be a frequent activity, vary it: subjects or free drawing, with different coloured and textured paper, different crayons, pens, pencils, chalks to draw outside etc.

Most modern early educators will follow the children's interests in preparing activities rather than working by topics eg the seasons, colours, weather etc, but using the children's interests does not do away with the need to plan appropriate activities.  Nor does it stop us from pointing out things that might interest children.  Pointing out a fluffy white cloud might interest one child, and lead to lots of learning opportunities while to another it might be 'ho hum, so what? Look at that car!'  Flexibility and different activities for different children of different ages and stages of development!

3. Develop your resource kits. Nannies who have been working for a number of years should have an excellent range of art and craft activities, play ideas for indoors and out, songs and games, books and internet resources.  How do you keep all this excellent information in a way that you can easily access it?
Possible ways include by:

• age range eg babies, toddlers, pre-schoolers and school aged

• type of activity eg craft (you might want to break this up into subdivisions like pasting, wool crafts, egg carton crafts etc), art, songs, stories, outdoor games, indoor games

• topics eg seasons, Christmas, nature (you might want to break this down eg trees, flowers, snails, caterpillars, butterflies), outings

It is also useful to cross reference your resources, or use colour coding eg mark crafts by colours for different ages.
It is also helpful to put comments after you have used different resources about how difficult you and the children found them and any ways you adapted them.

Links:
Early Years Learning Framework can be downloaded from this site.

Childhood101 Playopedia

Nurture Store is an excellent British resource including a weekly play planner.

Let the Children Play is an Australian site with many great ideas as well as being a great promoter of play and playfulness.

Enchanted Learning has a marvellous range of ideas on all sorts of subjects.

Sun Hats and Wellie Boots as the name suggests , is also British with many original ideas.



Those who need help with how to plan might find inspiration from Planning with Kids

Keep watching our Facebook page for ideas from many different Australian and overseas resources.