The death of a child

Friday 29th June is Red Nose Day, when we are encouraged to make fools of ourselves for a serious cause.  For those of you who don't know, that cause is SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), now expanded to include other childhood deaths, as SIDS and Kids.

It seems ages since the day started and when checking, found this year marks the 25th year.  In that time, the SIDS and Kids Foundation has 

• raised awareness of SIDS,
• funded extensive research leading to an intensive community and professional education program which has resulted in the marked reduction of SIDS in Australia,
• created a 24/7 National Bereavement Support Line (1300 308 307).

With the reduction in the incidence of SIDS, the foundation has broadened its role to the areas of sudden unexplained death in childhood (SUDC) and to deaths as a result of accident.

A less tangible benefit of the SIDS and Kids work is that there has been an increased awareness of death in childhood in the community.  

As I mentioned in an earlier post, this is probably the greatest fear of any parent.  The death of a child is shocking.  The funeral of a child is overwhelmingly sad. The absence of a child from the intimate family and friend network is an appalling gap. 

There is nothing to say that doesn't sound trite or clichéd.  There are limits to the number of casseroles and cakes that a family can eat.

So what can you do?

• Be there, in person and by phone but only for brief calls. Don't avoid the family just because you feel unable to cope: it's ok to say that you don't know what to say.  Don't feel you have to be bright and cheerful, just sit quietly and listen. Don't presume to know how someone is feeling: ask. People need space as well as company. 
• Mention the child's name when talking. Share any memories you have and ask for the parent's memories.  Take copies of any photos you might have.  Don't be afraid of tears, and don't disapprove of laughter about happy times. 
• Continue to ask the family to social events that you would have invited them to prior to the child's death, suggesting that they need only stay as long as they can manage.
• Remember that any children in the family are also grieving and experiencing a tremendous dislocation.  Don't forget to talk to them too, about their brother or sister.  Don't smother them with attention/affection, but don't ignore them or think they are too small to notice the change.  Even very young babies are sensitive to changes in atmosphere.
• Ask if you can bring a rose, rosemary or some other plant for the family's garden to remember the child, or make a donation in memory of the child to a children's charity.
• Avoid the unhelpful, false hope of comments like 'time heals', 'you'll soon feel better', 'keep busy'.  Everyone copes in their own way.
• Many families attend annual memorial services on Red Nose Day, and you can join them to commemorate the children who have died.

If you check the SIDS and Kids website, there are many resources that you can read that will help you to understand a little of what families may feel and think, and what they have found helpful.  http://www.sidsandkids.org/bereavement-support/

And in the next few days, if you see a stall for SIDS and Kids, or are approached to buy a red nose or other merchandise, give generously. 

A subject we tend to avoid...

Whether we like it or not, death is very much part of life.  Nothing is more certain.  The only thing we don't know for sure, is when.

Death of young people is especially heartbreaking. In recent times we have followed the course of Jim Stynes' s illness and death and the outporing of emotion that marked his funeral.  On a more personal level, my 32 year old nephew died unexpectedly. With such premature deaths, we mourn them both for their lives and for the life that they haven't yet lived.  What might have been.

And parents in particular, find the death of their children something they never want to face.  It is the wrong order of theings.  And I have heard grandparents say "It should have been me, my life is nearly over anyway." And when a baby or young child dies, no one knows what to say, the grief is raw and affects everyone. 

It is hard enough for us to deal with death, especially the death of someone close, without having to explain death to children.  Perhaps it was easier in the days when religious belief was widespread, when child mortality was high and people died at home rather than in hospital, but now in the absence of these things we can be left struggling for words.There are now excellent resources to help with the task, and perhaps some of the best advice is to use the non-emotional times to start raising the issues with children eg a dead flower,  leaves falling off trees, a dead bird found on a walk.

An on line pamphlet I found particularly helpful is  http://www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.html

There is however, no easy answer to this complex issue, because we all bring our own experiences, feelings and attitudes, but we shouldn't ignore it.