I hope...

I was already enjoying the late winter sunshine and hoping that spring might be around the corner when I saw an article in this morning's Age about a mural King Sun by John Olsen, which has been installed in a building in Docklands.  The mural is bright and cheerful, to judge by the photos, with the quirky and typical addition of three frogs.  In this work, Olsen reminds us of the need for hope and optimism in the modern world.  As this was something I'd already been musing about it seemed to be an excellent blog topic!

If you have ever been depressed you will recognise the awfulness of despair and how hard it is to find the effort required to live in a world where hope seems to have died.  To seek help in this situation represents a hold on at least a slim glimmer of hope that things can change; the alternative, is often, to give up completely, to live in a constantly grey world or, tragically, to commit suicide.  I can't help wondering if it is hope that is really one of the great life forces.

Hope:

• compels starving parents to ensure their children get as much food as possible
• drives refugees to risk their lives to flee persecution and starvation
• lures people to move from country to city (or vice verse) from one country to another in search of a better life and greater opportunities for their children
• keeps people with cancer and chronic illnesses going often through drastic treatment regimes so that they might be cured , or at least live a little longer
• encourages us each night that dawn and daylight will follow night, and in the depths of  winter, that spring will soon in its turn.

Babies are, I think, little bundles of hope.  Not only do they represent their parents' hopes for the future, they seem also by nature to be optimistic/hopeful.  They haven't yet learnt not to trust everyone, nor to fear the world about them.

We owe it to our children to nurture this hopefulness, to teach them to be optimistic and to be resilient.  They should not be exposed to abuse, demeaning and degrading punishments  or to parenting and care that is overly permissive and sets no boundaries.  We often reward achievement, but perhaps we also need to focus on effort as well.  As I have previously said, we need to let children experience difficulties and failure not so that they are crushed but so they are encouraged and optimistic that they will succeed at something else or at another time, or even that it was fun trying.

As winter turns towards spring we know there will still be cold, wet, miserable days, but the bulbs and swelling buds remind us that change is on the way.  And thank you John Olsen for your beautiful King Sun.

Link
John Olsen, Australian artist b.1928
An interview with Olsen while working on King Sun

Bounce back, baby!

Remember those weighted plastic toys that you could tip in all directions but would right themselves and be ready to be knocked again?  That is about the best analogy I can think of for the word resilience.  And applying this to people, it basically means the ability to 'bounce back' no matter what happens.  It does not mean that resilient people do not experience pain, loss, defeat, tragedy and trauma, but that they have the emotional maturity and psychological strength to recover from these setbacks.  It is a characteristic we would all want our children to develop because it is the basis of good mental health.

What can we do as parents, remembering that we are engaged in a long process that extends from babyhood to late adolescence (and beyond!)?

• ensure good attachment by meeting the baby's needs for food, warmth, comfort and nurture promptly so the baby learns it can rely on you to meet its primary needs;
• introduce the baby into the wider world by positive interactions with siblings, grandparents, extended family and friends;
• as the child grows start to incorporate awareness of their own feelings, helping to name them and to find ways of experiencing them and then extending this to recognising feelings in other people;
• teach children that anger, frustration, jealousy are part of life and that they can be experienced without aggression and tantrums;
• teach children to negotiate with you and with each other;
• allow children to build a positive view of themselves by breaking tasks into small parts and helping them recognise their achievements as they master each part;
• allow children to experience difficulties and frustrations and helping them to use their previous experience and to develop new skills to overcome problems;
• encourage children to be positive and optimistic, even when they experience set backs
• maintain honest and open lines of communication with children, listening as well as speaking, so they know that they can raise anything with us;
• support and encourage children and adolescents in making their own decisions.

What doesn't help is to:

• set unrealistic goals for children to achieve;
• never let them experience disappointment and difficulties;
• protect and shield them from the difficulties of life: not every one can win a prize nor can we have everything we might want;
• being rigid and inflexible in your expectations and communications.

The development of good mental health in children and young people is as important as their physical health and their intellectual development since we all want our babies to grow up into well rounded, optimistic adults who enjoy life and can tackle its challenges with a positive attitude and bounce back from the blows that life can bring.

There are many guides about developing resilience on the net and in parenting and childcare manuals.
Some easily accessible links are:
Resilience Guide for Parents and Teachers
KidsMatter  It is worth exploring many of the links given within this site.
A Guide to Promoting Resilience in Children I like the I HAVE I AM I CAN approach
Bonsai Parents Lenore Skenazy of Free Range Kids fame has come up with a new term to replace 'helicopter parenting'.

Bullying: No way

Bullying has finally hit community consciousness, and schools in particular are doing a great job in educating children and young people and by maintaining a zero tolerance for bullying behaviours.

But bullying still exists.

It comes from the holders of power in any situation exercising that power to oppress those perceived as different;

Different in race, colour, gender, beliefs, size, physical appearance, ability or disability, sexuality, status...just different.

Bullying can be

• physical - hitting, pinching punching
• verbal - teasing, put downs, spreading rumours
• social - excluding
• threatening

It can be done directly, face to face or indirectly by social media, and even by laws

It has can be a one-off or can continue over a period of time.

But it needs to be stopped.

Power differentials are part of life.

Parents are more powerful than children, but when that power is used to scream abuse, to put a child down, or to physically hurt a child: it is bullying.

Groups are generally more powerful than individuals but when a child or young person is deliberately excluded from games or social networks: it is bullying.

Men are generally more powerful than women,physically and often economically, but when women are passed over for promotion by the 'boys' club', or abused constantly by their partners: it is bullying.

And bullying is apparent in the way the dominant culture in our country treats new migrants, asylum seekers and worst of all, boat people.

So how do we change the culture of bullying?

Firstly we recognise it and describe the behaviours as bullying.

We work to recognise the rights of all people to feel safe, and to have their differences respected.

We learn to resolve conflict in a calm, positive way where all parties feel heard, and where the parties are helped to find a solution that they can all live with.

We encourage in our children a positive attitude to themselves and those around them, teach them to be assertive, not aggressive and encourage them to get help when they feel unsafe.

We need to continue to pressure all levels of government to respect all people, and to protect them by their policies and by legislation.

We may not be able to stamp out bullying overnight, but the process needs to start

• in our homes
• in our childcare centres, kindergartens, schools, junior sports clubs
• in our community, in the media, sports clubs
• at a governmental level: local, state, federal and international.

Today is the National Day against Bullying and Violence.
Find out more at http://www.bullyingnoway.com.au/default.shtml