Ties that bind....or strangle

At present , everywhere I look "Family" seems to be the theme:

• the novel I'm reading, The Chimneysweeper's Boy by Barbara Vine;
• the newspaper which reports both horrific tales of child abuse and a report from the Australian Institute of Family Studies which shows 10 and 11 year old girls do more work than boys (nice to have confirmed what we already knew!);
• websites I've been looking at like the Little Big Book Club which has family themed children's books for the month of June (Little Big Book Club);

As an experienced worker in areas relating to mothers and children, families have been very much my focus.  I believe strongly in the family unit for its role in nurturing and caring for its members, but I would be a fool to think that all families are alike.  They vary in their structure and in their ability to nurture, and in the worst situations family ties can serve to strangle the lives of their members, both physically and figuratively.

How would I recognise a healthy family?  It would be one where:

• everyone's needs are usually met
• the members care about each other
• the members treat each other with consideration
• members are encouraged to fulfil their dreams/potential
• there is lightness and fun to counteract the difficulties of life

While Tolstoy famously wrote in Anna Karenina wrote 'All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way', there are many characteristics of unhappy families:

• members need to compete against each other to have their needs met, with those who do best in this struggle getting the biggest share of attention, love, power, material goods, education while the others are diminished in their development
• tensions exist between members resulting in physical, emotional and at times sexual abuse
• those not receiving adequate care and attention develop manipulative or attention seeking behaviour, even becoming unmanageable

All new parents are learners, and there will often be much trial and error on the way to establishing a pattern of family life.  Today there is almost too much advice for parents to absorb.  Society and its commentators are quick to judge the behaviour of young people and to blame it on their upbringing and family life; barristers are very able at presenting to courts harrowing tales of abuse as mitigation of their clients' offending, yet most parents start out wanting the best for their children, and do the best they can to achieve this.  And most families manage to do a reasonable job: not perfect, but not terrible, either.

As a community, and as those who work in close contact with families it is important to encourage, support and help young parents rather than stand back and condemn.  As the well known African proverb says 'it takes a whole village to raise a child' so we all have to share the responsibility, not stand back and then condemn the parents if it goes wrong.

I got out a handbag I hadn't used since last year and found a pair of 'just in case' knickers from when my granddaughter was being toilet trained.

That set me thinking about how much life changes when we have children (and grandchildren).

Suddenly there is a new life, totally dependent on us, and particularly so if we are breast feeding.  Our time is not completely our own.  Our lives are not completely our own, and nor are our handbags.

Fortunately, fathers these days are often more involved in the lives of their children, and many grandmothers smile to see babies strapped to the chests of the men they see shopping.

Still, however, surveys show that many women still take the major role in the care of children as well as doing the housework and often working outside the home.

A poll by Galaxy Research quoted in this morning's Age said mothers in their early 30's reported the least amount of "me time", a mere 33 minutes per day.  As I said, a mother's time is no longer her own!
 http://www.theage.com.au/national/isolation-bane-of-modern-motherhood-20120304-1ub1b.html

Wendy Tuohy, in this morning's Herald Sun, writes of Posh Spice/Victoria Beckham admitting that she finds the combination of work and parenting exhausting. And no doubt she has plenty of household staff to assist her. Tuohy goes on to say that contemporary mothers are under more pressure than previously to have it all, and be it all, by the superstars who give the impression that it is easy to be a working mother. 
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/opinion/now-its-not-so-rich-for-posh-as-mum-of-four/story-e6frfhqf-1226288726083

There has certainly been a growth in the number of parents who are finding that their expectations are very different from the reality they experience, no doubting contributing to the increase in post natal depression.

I can't help feeling we had it easy as parents.  While we all wanted our children to be seen as well behaved and special, we had nothing like the bombardment of information on how to raise the perfect child.  We chose between breastfeeding and formula, with militants arrayed on each side, but generally we just got on and did our best. We had support from grandparents and extended family but now they are still working, or off travelling.

The spread of our cities has also made life difficult.  Friends and family can be an hour away.  Mothers work until almost the day they give birth and know few people in their local areas.  New housing developments are often under resourced in public transport, access to Maternal and Child Health Centres and play groups require families to have a second car or miss out.  It can be lonely being at home all day with a baby or young children.  Childcare is not necessarily readily available, or affordable when mothers need to return to work. 

I have every sympathy for young parents today. And I'm always delighted to hear parents say: "I just love being with the children" even if they have their occasional whinges about the drudgery.