Musings about memory and memories

A couple of weeks on holiday and a death in the family, and I have had time to muse about how the memory and the legacy of memories we leave.

The division of memory into short term and long term is commonly accepted, and these days as one approaches 'a certain age' one can become very sensitive to lapses in short term memory, forgetting someone's name; going into a room to fetch something and forgetting what you wanted...the fear of Alzheimer's and related disease is very real.  Our long term memory also tends to fade so memories of our childhood recede, though often when reminiscing with contemporaries or looking at photos, we find we are able to access images and scenes we thought were long gone.

Smell is a sense strongly linked with memory, and especially with those that carry strong emotions.  Remember the smell of the air after rain on a hot day, the aromas of coffee and baking bread that estate agents once used to make buyers more susceptible to a house's charms, Dad's aftershave, Grandma's scent.

There are also memories of physical skills that become so entrenched that we can perform them automatically without consciously recalling each part of the process.  Riding a bicycle is a common example of this, as is driving a manual car without 'bunny hopping'.

As parents, grandparents, nannies, child care professionals we are responsible for moulding the character and behaviours of the children we have in our care, both by our actions and by the role modelling we do. It is amazing to nurse a new born baby and then to watch as that baby grows and develops, both creating memories for us and itself accumulating its own store of memories.

We all know it is no use encouraging children to be kind to other people and in their presence being unkind to someone.  Or having a 'no swearing' policy and then abusing the motorist that cuts us off.  In both these instances, it is not unusual to have a child point out our inconsistency!

When someone dies, many memories are stimulated as people reflect on the person who has died.  This happens even with miscarriages and perinatal births, as once a child is conceived we have a variety of reactions, hopes and fears which centre on the child and the circumstances of its conception and death.  As I have previously written, the death of a child is generally traumatic for all concerned, but all deaths, even peacefully in old age, have an impact on those who have known the person, hence the period of grieving that lingers far beyond the funeral.

I think most of us would want to be remembered as people who are kind, generous, loving, and any of the other attributes we value.  If we achieve great things with our lives for example as scientists, humanitarians, sporting figures we would want these to be remembered.  If our achievements are somewhat more measured we would want to be remembered as people of integrity, living as well as we can.

In Julius Caesar, Shakespeare tells us that "The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred with their bones".  It is terrible to think that this is true of our everyday lives, that all the little things we have done wrong are the things that people remember most about us. I think rather that these misdoings are quite different from those of men like Hitler, Pol Pot, Stalin and Idi Amin.

I read a line in a novel, the title long since forgotten, that lovely old people don't get that way overnight but as the product of their life long way of living.  If that is so, how we are remembered has already started, and the result is in our hands.

When kids are sick...

No, this is not a medical column, and the following are general comments not medical advice. And it is not talking about children who suffer from life threatening conditions, just every day sorts of sickness like colds and tummy upsets.

When I was young, as all great stories start, parents were generally unsophisticated in their medical knowledge.  There was no internet, some families possessed books like an 'encyclopedia of family health' but many people relied on home remedies, old wives' tales and common sense.  Many children suffered severe illnesses like cancer and heart disease but the medical and pharmaceutical knowledge of the time meant that their lives were often shortened and they lived as invalids.  So in many ways, they were the bad old days.

Today with improved knowledge and communication we seem to have become much more health aware.

As parents, nannies and childcare workers we do all in our power to foster children's health by

• ensuring our children receive the full program of immunisations so that the old childhood illnesses like diphtheria, polio, mumps etc are no longer as prevalent in the community
• fostering healthy eating
• encouraging exercise
• building mental health and resilience
• being aware of stages of development and responding when there are difficulties

BUT

When our children our sick, often our common sense flies out the window.

• Baby has a sniffle
• Littlie has diarrhoea  or vomits
• Munchkin has a temperature

Off to the doctor we go, expecting the magic potion, the instant miracle.

Now there can be many factors behind this:

• we don't want our little one to suffer or to be out of sorts
•  we are also fearful this might be the start of something worse
• we are frustrated because a sick child means someone may have to stay home from work to care for the child, or emergency care arrangements made
• we may feel guilty that somehow we haven't taken good enough care of our child
• we are still learning what is normal for children.

I am not saying "don't go to the doctor", nor am I saying to ignore a child who is unwell or has injured him/her self.

What I am saying is to keep a sense of perspective.  We are comfortable to put a sticking plaster on a child with a scrape on the knee, give a kiss and say 'all better now', yet will get medical attention if there is a lot of bleeding or it hurts a child to move a limb.  The number of parents who now attend paediatric first aid courses is partly responsible for this commonsense approach.  In the same way we need to learn to distinguish between minor illnesses that need a quiet time on the sofa in front of TV and those that are serious.  That may require using your doctor and maternal and child health nurses to help you gain confidence in your judgement.  I would also recommed reading and perhaps copying for reference this excellent article by Professor Frank Oberklaid and Doctor Leah Kaminsky.

Over the top reactions to children who feel unwell may result in children learning to use illness as an attention seeking device.  This can mean that attendance at kindergarten or school is disrupted unnecessarily, and the development of unhealthy attitudes to sickness.  We all have times when we are unwell and need a little extra care and comfort, but some people have learnt to manipulate others through their sickness. When children are unwell stay calm, reassure the child and provide  toys, books and games to help pass the time.
 

Adults in children's play

In  a previous post  I spoke of the importance of play as a means for children to learn about their world, about relationships and about values.

But do you play with children, or supervise children while they play?

What is the difference?

Playing with children means entering their world, engaging with them as they play, as a companion and fellow playmate.

Supervising children as they play means staying on the outer, observing and intervening when necessary so that participants have turns, resources are shared and safety is ensured.

I often hear parents say that their children have lots of toys but they rarely play with them.

There might be a number of reasons for this.

The toys:

• may not be appropriate for their age

• may require two or more participants to be used meaningfully

• may take too much time and effort to be put together to be played with.

The children:

•  may not have learnt how to play, to relax and use their levels of skill and imagination for pleasure
• may need adult attention and interaction to guide them.

 On the other hand, perhaps parents, nannies and carers can expect too much of children, expecting them to play quietly and independently for long periods, which some times can be rephrased as 'keeping themselves occupied'.

Some children are much better at independent play than others, and will lose themselves either alone or with a companion, in their own world of imagination or role play, with cars or blocks or dolls' houses, in the sand pit, in their bedrooms or all over the lounge.  These children do not need adult involvement in their play, but simply supervision if the play suddenly becomes rough, or unfair, often signs that it has lost its appeal.  And of course, adults may need to remind the participants about tidying up afterwards.  After the play period, it can be useful to ask the child(ren) about the activity and to talk about how they played and what they might want to do next time, as well as an appreciative comment on the way that they played eg thoughtfully, imaginatively, quietly or whatever is appropriate.

Other children are more sociable and like to engage another person, child or adult, in their play.  For these children in particular, it is necessary for adults to learn how to participate, engaging in both the play and also ensuring that turns are taken, resources are shared and all are kept safe.  This is a case of simultaneously acting like a child and an adult, and is a valuable skill to learn.



In this type of play, as a participant the adult can often draw out from the child(ren) responses that will increase the learning value of the play: counting the number of pieces, commenting on their colours, sizes and shapes, but not to the detriment of the child(ren) having fun.  Again at the end of the play period, it is useful to make appreciative comments on the way they played.

Some facts for adults to learn about play include:

• Play with out some mess and untidiness not real play. Tidy up before starting a new activity.
• Children only have relatively short attention spans.  Watch for signs of restlessness and move on to another activity.
• Play is a preparation for life.  The child does not always have to win, nor does the biggest always have to get his or her own way.
• Play has to be fun and enjoyable.  If it's not fun, it's not play.

We often post play activities, and links to websites with play as their focus on our Facebook page.  Follow these links and you will be enriched in your play with children, and your supervision of children's play.

Helping and caring...new dirty words?

As a society we seem to have mixed views of helping and caring.  We admire those who care for their elderly parents or disabled children, yet we also label as 'do gooders' or even 'busybodies' people who take on these and other, broader, roles in the community.  We urge our children to help each other, and yet the traditional helping professions like nursing, child care (and nannies) and social work tend to be seen as low status, poorly paid and traditionally, the domain of women.  In fact, men in these professions frequently are found in management rather than directly involved 'at the coal face.'

Recent moves to have those working in child care re-defined as 'early childhood educators and carers', while justified as better describing their role, seems to me to be undervaluing their role as carers. Perhaps being educators will improve their status, though probably not their wages and conditions.

What concerns me is that 'helping' and 'caring' seem to have become dirty words.  We have the expression 'nanny state' that denigrates both nannies and governments that legislate to try to protect people from their own folly eg the current move of some cyclists to abandon wearing crash helmets.  I have heard of young people applying to do social work courses being told that wanting to help people is not an adequate motivation.  Personally,  I can't think of a more important reason.

As a community, we depend on volunteers, helpers and cares, in many areas. The Australian Bureau of Statistics gives a breakdown of the role volunteers play in our society.  We value the work of bodies like the Country Fire Authority, SES, lifesavers and sporting clubs. Often these are now finding it necessary to have paid workers to supplement their volunteers.  Other areas which have depended on volunteers in the past are now experiencing chronic shortages when it comes to areas like foster care, Interchange (respite for children with disabilities), Big Brothers Big Sisters (mentoring for young people).  

I suspect too, that we tend to be prepared to help someone who falls in the street, but not if there is a whiff of alcohol, or they look unkempt or we suspect drugs might be involved; we might buy the Big Issue, because the sellers are helping themselves but bypass the homeless person who begs in the street.  We are reluctant to get involved if people are shouting or appear to be mentally disturbed, not even ringing for assistance.  I was interested when I came to the aid of a young man having a fit at the station, that most people just watched what was happening.  While there are occasional reports of heroes assisting in such circumstances, sometimes being hurt and even killed themselves, most people will just watch or go on about their own business, not even ringing the police.

Certainly, there are times when helping and caring can smother people, devalue their own efforts, and increase their dependency.  This is why we encourage parents to let children face situations that are a little difficult for them to manage easily, to teach children how to solve problems they face, to gradually take responsibility for themselves as they develop skills and maturity.  At the same time, however, we also need to acknowledge times when they simply need help or care:  when they are unwell, when they become so tired or frustrated that they lose their usual ability to think or act for themselves, and when they are in immediate danger.  

We encourage our children to help us in tasks around the house, in clearing up after play, in bringing a nappy to change the baby,  we are teaching them that helping is important, that there are tasks that need to be done for the good of all, that there is always something we can do. We also need to continue to foster in our children a sense of care for each other, not just the older for the younger, but the stronger for the weaker, the more able for the less able.  We need to teach the value of sharing, of including others in our play and in our world, and as they age, the importance of sharing what we have with those who have little or nothing.

Perhaps it is time to stop and think what we really value as a country and to give a higher status to those whose role it is to help other people, and to care for each other.  In this way we can all contribute to the well being of our community, our country and our world.

Safe Pedestrians: parents, nannies and their children

Imitation might be the sincerest form of flattery, but there are times when it can be a parent's or nanny's nightmare.

The odd expletive or a frank, unflattering comment is repeated; a gesture used; a behaviour copied....these are embarrassing, or cute, but sometimes, the behaviours in particular can have nasty consequences.

Who watched as you dashed across the road to post a letter, or dodged between cars on your way to the supermarket, or didn't stop at the red light  or didn't wear your seatbelt because it was only a short trip or talked on the mobile phone while driving?

What did these impulsive behaviours of yours teach an impressionable child?

• to take risks when crossing the road or in the car

• to disobey the law.

YOU are your child's role model as a pedestrian, as a passenger and as a driver.

YOU are old enough to know safe practices and to follow them carefully.

Last week we looked at safe procedures in the car, but pedestrian safety is also important.

How then do you teach a child to be safe as a pedestrian?
Many authorities believe that is not until children are aged 10 to 12 that they have the understanding, skills and experience to cope with traffic, including this Monash University study.

• Insist that your toddler and young child holds your hand at all times when walking in the streets.  The only safe alternative to holding hands is to use a stroller.
• Practise stopping at driveways and cross streets to check if cars are coming, especially emphasising that cars can be reversing and so often the driver cannot see them.
• Choose safe places to cross the road, ie where you have a good view of the traffic in all directions.  It is often easier to get a good view mid-block rater than at a corner where you may have to look behind as well as ahead and sideways, because of turning traffic.
• Cross the road at marked crossings where available eg school crossings (with the flags out), pedestrian crossings and at traffic lights.  Where pedestrian signals are available, only cross when the light is green.  Even at these regulated crossings, don't cross while there are moving vehicles.  As children get older, encourage them to participate in the decision making.
• Teach the fourfold process: STOP, LOOK LISTEN and THINK. and go out often with your child(ren) to practise these skills.
• When getting children in and out of the car, always use the kerbside door.
• In car parks, there is often no kerbside door, but continue to use the same passenger door. By using safety locks in your car, do not allow the child(ren) to leave the car until you are there to open the door for them.  Remove and place in a stroller any infants, then the older child(ren) can get out.  Once out, check, with the children, for moving vehicles from all directions.  The recent tragic death of a young boy, chasing a football into a car park underlined the dangers there, as he had checked for cars on the way to pick the ball up, but ran straight under a car on the way back.

The other area to consider is ensuring that toddlers and young children cannot 'escape' from the house unsupervised.  Check gates and front doors are locked or secured with childproof locks to contain the wandering toddler and to give older children a moment to collect their thoughts before they go off.

It is probably not possible to prevent all road accidents involving children, but by setting a good example, by teaching children safe practices, and by limiting their unsupervised exposure as pedestrians until they are 10 to 12 years old, it is possible to minimise the risk.

Useful links:

Factors associated with ability to cross roads safely, Monsh University Study

A Child's World of Traffic , a VicRoads Video.

Children, nannies and cars

As a parent, grandparent and as the  director of a nanny agency, the safety of children in cars and using the streets is especially important.


My particular concern is that nannies are frequently required to transport children as part of their role: to and from school, to play activities, to appointments etc.

As an agency, we have strict requirements about nannies driving, and the agency must be notified if transport of children is required before commencement of care.

It is the client's responsibility to ensure that the nanny has a driver's licence and that any car used has the necessary child restraints fitted, and is in a condition suitable for the transport of children.  If the nanny has any doubts about these areas, we recommend that they raise their concerns with the client families, and if this does not make any difference, with the agency, and that they should not drive until the issues are resolved.

In Victoria, the law requires all adults, driver, front and back seat passengers to use a seat belt.  As at February, 2012, all children must be properly restrained according to the following requirements:

• Children under 6 months to be in a properly fastened and adjusted rear facing approved restraint , generally a reclined baby car seat;
• Children 6 months to under 4 years to be in a properly fastened rear OR front facing approved restraint with inbuilt harness;
• Children aged 4 years to under 7 years to be in a properly fastened and adjusted forward facing approved child restraint with in built harness OR  or a properly fastened and adjusted lap-sash belt or child safety harness;
• Children aged 7 to under 16 years to be in an approved booster seat with a properly adjusted lap-sash belt or child safety harness OR a properly fastened and adjuted seatbelt. An adult lap-sash belt is designed for a minimum height of 145cm., a height most children reach between 10 and 12 years.
• If a car has 2 or more rows of seats, children under 4 must not travel in the front seat;
• If all rear seats are used by children under 7, children aged 4 years and under 7 may travel in the front seat, provided they use an approved booster seat.
• Any child too heay or too tall for the restraint recommended for their age should use a restraint in the next age category.

Note that  the emphasis is not only on the appropriate type of restraint, but also on proper fastening and adjustment.  For this reason, it is recommended that restarints be fitted at an approved fitting station, and that you check regularly that the restraint is still the right size for the child, and that all the connecting straps are done up firmly.

All this information, and advice on approved restraints and the location of fitting stations is available from Vicroads and in brochures available from the Victorian Government bookshop.

Beyond these formal requirements, we expect that nannies use good safety procedures. These include:

• Always put children in and out of the car by the kerbside door;
• Put the older child(ren) in the car, then transfer the baby from its pram/stroller, then put shopping etc in the car;
• When leaving the car, get out and assemble the pram/stroller then get the baby out, followed by the older child(ren);
• Do not allow the older child(ren) to open the door or to leave the car until you are at the exit door; this is easily avoided if you use the childproof door locks provided by most manufacturers;
• Have the windows closed with lock on, or if necessary in hot weather, only have the windows open for 4-5 cms at the top;
• Insist on quiet behaviour in the car, and if there is any squabbling etc, stop the car until the behaviour stops.  On long drives, use distractions like familiar songs and stories on CD/DVD or if necessary videos, but preferably looking out the window spotting things, playing I Spy.  The purpose of all this is to reduce distractions for the driver;
• NEVER leave children unattended in a car.

Road safety is a huge area, and in another blog we'll look at pedestrain safety and teaching children good practices.

Links:

• Royal Children's Hospital Safety Centre
• Royal Automobile Club of Victoria
• Kidsafe Victoria
• Better Health Channel
• Nannies and driving, some US ideas

5 tips for managing your expectations of motherhood

This week's guest blogger is Dr. Melanie Strang, a Melbourne doctor and mother with an interest in antenatal education and in emotional well being during and after pregnancy.

She runs a program called Well Mum Well Baby with the aim of providing "Emotional, Psychological and Relationship Preparation for New or Expectant First Time Parents."

Melanie's work in preparing parents for the life-changing event of the birth of their first child, is aimed at helping understand what is happening and thus help maintain emotional health during this happy but stressful time.

Here are her 5 tips for managing expectations of pregnancy:


Be flexible: It is common for mums to struggle with coming to terms with what they planned versus what reality serves up. For example you may have planned to return to work by 3 months yet circumstances change when bub arrives.

Don’t believe the hype: The media portrays a romanticized version of motherhood: Understand that life with a young baby does not look like a Huggies ad! There are amazing moments of joy and bonding yet this is mixed with plenty of dirty nappies, hard work and acclimatising to this massive transition.

Love takes time: Bonding with your baby may not happen immediately: It is normal for bonding to occur over a period of weeks to months. If a baby has a medical illness bonding may take longer- this may not be in line with your expectations but it’s ok.

It ok to be sad: There are many losses associated with motherhood: Having a baby is a time of wonderment and joy but acknowledging the losses will help you move forward-you are now a different version of yourself.

There are no rights and wrongs: No one bit of advice or parenting book will have all the magic answers- you and your baby are a unique pair to be understood in your own right.

 Useful links:

 Well, Mum, Well Baby


Maternal and Child Health Service in Victoria, reference for the free, univerally available service in Victoria, Australia

PANDA, for support with postnatal depression

Breastfeeding Australia for support with breastfeeding